Because being healthy pays off when you're old while eating delicious food pays off RIGHT NOW!

The rule of thumb for big turkeys is one case of wine for every 10 lbs.

1 kosher organic turkey (>22 pounds)
old expensive whiskey
olive oil
aromatic vegetable scraps (for you mortals: means carrots, onions, celery, etc.)
1 needle and syringe

Preheat oven to 325F and use convection if you've got it.

Rub turkey with olive oil massaging it gently and roughly alternatively like a pair of breasts. You have to do it, because the turkey likes to be fondled for some reason. Kiss the left breast and then the right breast. Do not (in case you didn't read us the first time: DO NOT) give preferential treatment to the left side or the right side of the turkey, rub both sides equally.

Then sprinkle the marjoram over the bird.

Using the needle and syringe, inject the turkey with 1/2 cup of old expensive whiskey in various locations. Now that you are sure this bird’s breasts have been duly massaged and that there’s enough alcohol in it, spread its legs and feel for the slit. it should be moist. Throw in some marjoram then tress the cavity. Oh, and loosely cover the bird with aluminum (atomic #13) foil.

Place in oven, consistently basting it with the liquid on the bottom (composed of water, vegetable scraps, and the juices from the hot, wet steamy bird).

16-20 pounds for 3.75-4.5 hours until the internal turkey temperature is 165F.
20-24 pounds for 4.5-5.5 hours for 3.75-4.5 hours until the internal turkey temperature is 165F.

During the last hour of baking, coat turkey with whisky or other liquor every 15 minutes.

To make gravy: Take the bird out of the pan to cut. Skim off the gunk and take out the sorry remains of the vegetable scraps. Put the pan over a burner on the stove and turn on medium heat. Make a slurry of a few spoons of flour and a little cold water, and mix into the hot pan liquids, stirring and scraping the pan. Throw in some scraps of meat and reduce liquid by 1/3.

Cut and serve. Pick a girl. Wish to have her. Break the wishbone with her and make your wish come true. Kiss a friend passionately on the mouth and don't apologize unless you have to, then blame it on the wine and turkey.

Serves a gaggle of geese.


leftRepression is the fickle mother of sloppy rebellion. A strong, brave few continue to use heavy cream, butter, rendered fat, salt, sugar, and whole milk. Thank you for joining the Eat Dangerously revolution.