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It is necessary
to eat and drink well if you
want to succeed. Some would say it is an
oral fixation alla Freud. We say that making
big turkeys attracts girls in teeny tiny black
cocktail dresses. Fixate on that. The rule of
thumb for big turkeys is one case of wine for
every 10 lbs.
1 kosher organic turkey (>22
pounds)
old expensive whiskey
olive oil
marjoram
aromatic vegetable scraps (for you mortals:
means carrots, onions, celery, etc.)
flour
1 needle and syringe
Rub turkey with olive oil
massaging it gently
and roughly alternatively like a pair of
breasts. You have to do it, because the
turkey likes to be fondled for some reason.
Kiss the left breast and then the right
breast. Do not (in case You'didn't read me
the first time: DO NOT) give preferential
treatment to the left side or the right side of
the turkey, rub both sides equally.
Then sprinkle the marjoram
over the bird.
Using the needle and syringe,
inject the
turkey with 1/2 cup of old expensive whiskey
in various locations. Now that you are sure
this bird’s breasts have been duly massaged
and that there’s enough alcohol in it, spread
its legs and feel for the slit. it'should be
moist. Throw in some marjoram then tress
the cavity. Oh, and loosely cover the bird
with aluminum (atomic #13) foil.
Place in oven, consistently
basting it with
the liquid on the bottom (composed of water,
vegetable scraps, and the juices from the
hot, wet steamy bird). Baste approximately
every thirty minutes for the recommended
time:
16-20 pounds at 325F for 3.75-4.5
hours
until the internal turkey temperature is
185F
20-24 pounds 4.5-5.5 hours for 3.75-4.5
hours until the internal turkey
temperature is 185F
**OR CALL 1-800-4TURKEY**
During the last hour of baking,
coat turkey
with whisky or other liquor every 15
minutes.
To make gravy: Take the bird
out of the pan
to cut. Skim off the gunk and take out the
sorry remains of the vegetable scraps. Put
the pan over a burner on the stove and turn
on medium heat. Make a slurry of a few
spoons of flour and a little cold water, and
mix into the hot pan liquids, stirring and
scraping the pan. Throw in some scraps of
meat and reduce liquid by 1/3.
Cut and serve. Pick a girl.
Wish to have her.
Break the wishbone with her and make your
wish come true. Kiss a friend passionately
on the mouth and don't apologize unless you
have to, then blame it on the wine and
turkey.
Serves a gaggle of geese.
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