diet tips

With this recipe, you'll convert even the most fickle dieter, the most annoying vegetarian, the unbearable vegan. You'll make them cry for the years they wasted eating crap. You'll make people feel terrible for eating supermarket instant frozen diet dinners and weirdo liquid shakes. They'll shed tears of regret for treating their stomach so poorly. Collect the tears in a shallow roasting pan, and put in a preheated 300 degree F oven for 20 minutes. Scrape resulting salt with a wooden spoon and reserve. Sprinkle salt on said dieter/vegetarian's meal to rid the evil spirits within.

[Hardcore XXX Click Here XXX Click Here Chili]

diet tips

Rules are made to be broken.

[Breakin' the Rules Borscht with Bacon]

diet tips

Remove skin from the chicken if you are indifferent between chicken, tofu and Styrofoam. Leave skin on chicken if you want the chicken to taste like chicken.

[Skin-On Chicken Braised in Riesling With Fresh Herbs]

diet tips

Want to lose over 60% of your weight real easily? Visit space! Eat whatever you want and you'll immediately drop light years of pounds.

Eat this in space to lose weight: [Out-Of-This-World Pork Chops Milanese With Arugula and Lemon Vinaigrette]

diet tips

There has been a lot of talk about trans-fat lately. Correct us if we're wrong, but isn't the prefix "trans" in Latin similar to the words transcend and transparent? And doesn't transcend mean superior? And transparent mean invisible? In other words, trans-fat is from the Latin for superior invisible fat. Sounds like a great situation to us! Put that in your pan and fry it.

[Acorn Squash, Made Perfect with Bacon Drippings]

diet tips

• Carrot sticks
• Rice cakes
• Grapefruit
• Low-fat yogurt
• Frozen raisons
• Canned lentils with fat free salad dressing

If you can store up some blubber for the winter, think of all the money you are saving since you no longer need to buy a fur coat to stay warm.

Here is how: [Blubber-Storing Swedish Meatballs]

diet tips

Hippie liberals want you to believe that food companies and chefs are evil people that sneak in fatty addictive ingredients in good tasting food that hooks you into being obese. We believe that hippie liberals suck and if communist soviet union hadn't collapsed, we would send them there to live with their comrades. We believe in freedom to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, as much as you want, and those that sneak in cheese, fat and butter are true heroes, just like firemen.

[Radicchio Salad in Super Cool Parmesan Bowls]

diet tips

• High fiber
• Low calorie
• Low carb
• Low cholesterol
• Low fat
• Fat free
• Low sodium
• MSG-free
• Sugar free
• Trans-fat free
• Vegetarian
• Whole grains

• Other (TASTE!)

[Tasty Lamb Chops with Feta, Cucumber and Mint Salad]

diet tips

The difference between plain steak and steak with potatoes is the same as the difference between underwear ads in the Sunday newspaper and a real-time interactive porno website. And, in case you couldn't figure it out on your own, the steak is the porno website.

[Extra Spicy Steak au Poivre Shake & Sear]

(potato recipe next...)

diet tips

When dieting, over-thinking about diet rules with every mouthful at every meal affects the serotonin levels in your brain. This excessive worrying creates quadrupole negative harmonics and etheric disintegration of serotonin. This changes the body's ability to process and expend energy and tells your body to store the maximum fat. That's science for you: proving that there is a bad biochemical reaction that happens when you diet. Actually, we made up all that serotonin stuff, but we're trying to start a rumor here. People!? Are you with us?

What makes this low-carb is that we omitted sprinkling the top of this gratin with breadcrumbs. [Quote "Low-Carb" Un-Quote Potatoes Au Gratin]

diet tips

Are you worried about burning calories? Did you know that you burn a calorie a minute while watching TV? And also, you burn a calorie a minute by talking on the phone? And 2 calories a minute when cooking? If you turn on the TV and call someone while making this dish, you'll be burning 240 calories an hour! That's our kind of diet! Serve people this dish and you'll make everyone else feel bad because their diets suck compared to ours.

[$24,000 Gold Chicken with 24K Gold Encrusted Foie Gras]

diet tips

95% of people who make New Year's resolutions to eat healthier, exercise and/or lose weight break their resolution within the first two weeks of January. But don't feel bad, there at least another half dozen "New Year's" during which you can remake your resolution including the Chinese, Jewish, Persian, Zoroastrian, Hindu and Mayan New Year.

Here is a recipe for your last meal of the year, no matter what calendar you follow ["Fatten up before the cold Canadian winter" Maple and Pepper Glazed Salmon]

diet factoid

5% of dieters keep their lost weight off after one year.

diet tips

Do you want a bunch of really simple diet tips so that you can pretty much eat whatever you want and lose weight at the same time?

• Use a smaller plate
• Chew each mouthful 100 times
• Put blue food coloring in everything you cook because your eyes will deceive your brain and tell your body something is up
• Eat with a gigantic magnifying glass in front of your plate
• Know how much each serving costs you, count the cost out with pennies and put them in a pile to the right of your plate. With each bite, put the cost of that bite into a pile on your left
• Sleep with an air purifier because you normally, at night, breath in 300 calories of dust mites, skin cells, pollen, etc.
• Get a tapeworm

Everyone has an aunt, a great uncle or a cousin over 90 years old who never dieted and, on top of it, drinks and smokes every day. Don't you have an old cool relative who really knows how to enjoy life and lives forever? Don't you want to be that person when you get old? Be like them by starting now! Drink and eat recklessly and be the cool relative!

Recipe that that might help you live longer: [Bourbon Butternut Squash Risotto with Shiitake Mushrooms]

diet tips

• Low Carb
• Low Fat

As we're sure you've noticed, there are numerous popular diets out there tese days that are diametrically opposed to one another. For example, one says to eat only protein and fat, and another says to eat only carbohydrates. If weight loss is your agenda, do two diets simultaneously because more is always better. We call this our "dietmetrically opposed" diet. You end up eating lots of carbs and fat! As much as you want! What a great diet! You don't have to give up eating anything you enjoy! The "dietmetrically opposed" diet is pure genius. Twice as much food, twice as much weight loss.

Recipe with carbs, meat and fat in one neat little package: [Not Chicken To Eat Fried Chicken]

diet tips

You may have heard that scientists have been publishing studies showing that when you severely restrict calorie intake in mice, they live a lot longer. They reduce the food they give the mice by 30% of what the supposed bare minimum is, and then the rats live a lot longer.

Huh? Yeah right. We prefer the legend that "if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger" which is based on centuries of conventional wisdom and common sense: eat 30% more, and you will live 30% more. Centuries of common sense beat scientists every time.

Your last recipe: [Risotto to Die For]

diet factoid

In 1978 the most popular selling dress size for women was size 7. Today, it is 14.

We've done our part by writing recipes contributing to the growing obesity problem all over the world. It is now time for you to do your part and eat them! Be part of the growing global village.

Your last recipe: [Gratuitously Cheesy Macaroni and Cheese]

diet news

The annual medical cost of obesity in the United States is $75,000,000,000 according to a 2003 study in the Journal of Obesity Research.

That comes to $175 per person.

Are you getting your money's worth out of your health insurance? You know, you are paying extra for all the fat smokers who also buy the same insurance? You could either lower your rates by convincing larger people to lay off the cheese steaks and smokes (hard) or get your money's worth by eating more cheese steaks and smoke more (easy). It's a no brainer.

Your last recipe: [Reckless Pasta with Osso Bucco Sauce]

diet factoid

Molière said that you are responsible for what you don't do as well as for what you do.

This means that if you don't eat great food because someone tells you it's unhealthy, that's nobody's fault but your own. Sure, you can pin the blame on your doctor, your nutritionist, or whomever exerts this negative influence in your life, but the bottom line is that it is your responsibility to say to them, "Leave me alone, this is my last meal before dieting!" The following dish will give you the strength and resolve to tell them where they can stick their statistics.

Your last recipe: [Diets are for Suckers Lasagna ai Funghi Porcini]